In Her Place
by jellyflame
Summary: Myka is in danger and there is nothing that Helena wouldn't do to save her.


She had been raised on a diet of heroes and dragons, of peculiar and wonderful worlds and on tales of lost girls who found their way and in the process themselves. Books had always been her haven allowing her to step out of her own life where she was encased in her sister's shadow and her father's judgment and be free. In her books she had found friends but they had also instilled in her a fear of living an average life. As she had grown older the fear increased and Myka had promised herself that she would do something worthy, be a part of something that was worthwhile. It was one of the main reasons behind her enrolment in the secret service for in her eyes it was a chance to do something meaningful. That was why she had been so angry when she was first moved to the warehouse. She had feared that being left to rot in the back of beyond with nothing to do was punishment for her failings - though the part of her that blamed herself for Sam's death felt that it was fully deserved.

But instead of the punishment she had expected the move had turned out to be the best thing that could ever have happened to her. She was living in a world of endless wonder and though her life was fraught with peril she would not trade it for anything in the world. In the warehouse she felt alive and knowing that her work saved lives, even sometimes the world, brought her an enormous sense of satisfaction and pride. This joy was one of the reasons she had left when Helena betrayed them. Myka didn't feel that she deserved that happiness any more and leaving the warehouse had been her own self-punishment. Because the warehouse was more than a workplace, it was her home and her colleagues were her family. They had faced destruction, danger and even death together but it was all worth it because what they did was important. Their work meant something and that's why despite the sacrifices she had made there and all the pain and suffering that she had endured if she had the chance she would do it all over again.

This however was different. There was no glory to be found in the bland hospital room. The real world it seemed had clawed her back into its harsh reality where she needed more than a pot of goo and a tesla to solve her problems. She couldn't Farnsworth Archie for instructions this time. This was real, solid, a poison within her, eating away at her, stripping her bare and leaving her feeling afraid and alone. Pete was there for her of course helping her come to terms with it and attending all the hospital appointments with her as they planned her treatment. She loved him like a brother and having his support meant more to her than she would ever be able to tell him but if she was being honest with herself she craved someone else's comfort. She craved Helena and the wonderful feeling of rightness that she felt whenever she was with the older woman. After leaving her in Wisconsin, Myka had promised herself that she would put all thoughts of Helena from her mind but here with only the whirring of machinery for company her usual steely determination was betraying her. All she could think about was the way her stomach fluttered when dark brown eyes looked into hers and about the warmth that spread through her when they touched. Time and time again she replayed their encounters, searching her memories for a sign that Helena felt the same way. But every time the only answer she found was that Helena had found herself a family of her own and left Myka with a gaping hole in her heart.

Myka clawed angrily at the offending tears that threatened to spill, she had promised herself that there would be no more tears for Helena's sake, not from her. But in the dark room her resolve weakened and she let the memories seep back in and the tears flow. Let herself remember being swept into the air by the grappler, Helena in the most ridiculous and alluring archaeologist costume and Helena sacrificing herself for the good of others. It was the last memory that stayed with Myka as the exhaustion of the day finally overcame her weary body and she succumbed gratefully to sleep. Her puffy eyes closing as she found solace in her dreams through which a voice echoed 'How do you say goodbye to the one person who knows you better than anyone else.'

Helena closed the book with a sigh of satisfaction. It had been an excellent read; a gripping plot, intriguing characters and best of all the author was a prolific female writer. This world may not be the brave new world she had hoped for but since letting go of the cancerous hate that had filled her she had begun to see that there had been some improvements since her time. Leaning across she snagged a creased piece of paper from the coffee table and unfolded it. Taking a pen she crossed off the last book on the list. It was a list that Myka had compiled for her during her days as an agent. She recalled how Myka had found her in the library one day and handed her the list. Though the younger woman had tried to brush it off as if it were nothing she had been betrayed by the soft blush on her cheeks. Helena had found herself almost unconsciously leaning in to catch Myka's eyes to assure her that it did mean something to her. There in that moment, lost as she was in Myka, she had forgotten the revenge she had planned. Instead she wondered what would happen if she leaned in, took the inviting lips between hers and began to let go of the pain that had been accumulating in her heart for over a century. But then Pete had entered, boisterous as ever, and the moment had passed leaving Helena's heart cold again. Although in hindsight it was not entirely bereft of warmth. Perhaps it was then that her mission had truly failed because after seeing how beautiful and pure Myka was she could never have brought an end to her life. Helena only wishes once again that she had realised that sooner.

She glanced over at her mobile phone on the table. The mobile certainly was a marvellous invention, it had not taken her long to get used to the basics but with Claudia's help she was soon navigating the internet. Though she had promptly deleted her internet history it had given her great satisfaction to search herself and read positive reviews that were still being written about her ideas to this day. Her fingers were itching to reach for it and send Myka a message to thank her once again for the list and tell her how much she had enjoyed her selection. But they had not talked since she had watched Myka drive away and though they had parted as friends she wasn't sure how her message would be received. Besides she had promised herself that she would forget about Myka. Snorting she reached for the phone. There was a reason she had been falling asleep on the couch more and more often rather than in her bed and it had nothing to do with exhaustion. There was no use denying that she missed her and after all what was one message.

But after deleting message after message she replaced the phone in frustration. For some reason she could not find the right words. Helena had always had plenty of ideas but sometimes when it came to penning them they came out distorted, distilled. It was partly why her brother had been the one to shape her ideas into novels despite being severely lacking in imagination himself. Being with Myka was a beautiful idea but not one that Helena would ever be able to make a reality for she was not worthy of somebody so wonderful. And somehow letting Myka know that she had enjoyed a reading list felt empty and hollow when the words that she truly wanted to say, the words that weighed on her heart, were ones of love and admiration.

Shaking herself from her reverie she glanced at the clock. It was almost four and Adelaide would be returning from school soon. Getting up she busied herself with preparing a hot chocolate. It had become a tradition that every Wednesday Helena would take a day off and spend the evening with Adelaide while Nate worked late. Every week Helena made sure she had a hot chocolate waiting for Adelaide and then they would head down to the park together. When they returned home she would cook for them and they would do her homework, read and talk; it was her favourite night of the week. Then Helena would get her ready for bed and read to her until she drifted off to sleep. They had just begun the chronicles of Narnia and Helena was enjoying them almost as much as Adelaide. Helena then returned to her own room to read but as soon as she heard the car in the drive way she would snap off the light and feign sleep as Nate tiptoed around the bedroom, undressing quietly and taking care not to disturb her sleep.

A part of her felt terribly guilty but she could not force feelings that would not come, she had given up trying long ago. It wasn't that she wasn't fond of him for she was. He was sweet and kind and boring a voice in her head added. Things had been even worse since he had found out that she was in fact called Helena and not Emily Lake as he had previously believed. At first she feared that it would be then end of them but she had spun him a tale of being in the witness protection and readily he had believed it. He didn't want to lose her and so after receiving Helena's word that her past would stay in the past from now on he agreed to forget all about the incident. But the damage had been done and though they tried to carry on as usual her past, or Nate's version of it, was like a dark stain marring their relationship and no matter how hard she scrubbed it or tried to ignore it would not go away. If it weren't for Adelaide she would have given up long ago, but then if she truly questioned her motives she knew that their relationship wouldn't even have begun in the first place if it weren't for Adelaide. Myka of course had seen this at once but Helena had refused to listen, had refused to acknowledge the truth in her words. Because after a lifetime of pain she craved a simple life where the worst that happened in her day was that they couldn't afford to remodel the kitchen or that she had to work an unexpected shift on the weekend. Her life had been too torturous for far too long and for once she wanted to be able to exist outside of the sphere of agony she had become used to since Christina's death.

This life may be dull at times but at least it was safe while Myka was dangerous. She had the power to break Helena's fragile heart and she wasn't sure if she could withstand such pain again. The last time had driven her to near insanity and she didn't want to ever feel so out of control again. It was safer for everyone, Helena reasoned with herself, that she stayed away. Besides Myka deserved someone who was whole and could offer her a future of happiness and as much as she wanted to she could offer none of those things. It was that knowledge above all else that had allowed her to harden her heart and watch Myka drive away.

But when a letter addressed to H.G Wells landed on her doormat the following morning, slipped in between the morning paper and the monthly gas bill, all her resolve faded away. After reading the content of the letter she knew that she had to leave, that a life of peace was not something she would be allowed to live after all. She waited until Christina and Nate had left for the morning before packing a bag and writing them a letter of apology. She didn't explain why she was leaving or when she would be coming back only that an urgent matter had arisen that demanded her attention. As she watched the familiar house fade in the rear-view mirror she felt a familiar pang of loss. She cared deeply for Adelaide and felt terrible for leaving her but glancing down at the letter which she had flung on the seat next to her strengthened her determination. The letter warned that Myka's life was in peril and if there was one thing that Helena was certain of it was that this cruel world needed people like Myka in it to keep hope and goodness alive. And so as she rounded the corner she pressed her foot on the gas and steeled her nerves ready for the struggles ahead.


End file.
